Live Brave: Health

Just four days into this months journey and today has been completely off track from what I had planned. Today sort of got away from me, so I wanted to take some time and reflect on what had happened, what had triggered the changes; and I came up with two main things. The first was a trial and error problem and not enough preparation.What I mean by that is I made a decision to try some new recipes for my lunches at work and while I did make them, I didn't enjoy them. I ate one of the four meals and couldn't face the second one today. This shouldn't have been enough to derail me, however here I sit and I have no idea what I am going to eat tomorrow. I have no salad in my fridge which makes any sort of work lunch difficult. I now realise that while its good to try new recipes, I needed to have had a back up plan. A "just in case" dish to prevent carnage. The second lesson that I realised is that despite very good attempts by myself, I still need much more practise at not letting other peoples comments affect me to the point of self sabotage. I posted a new picture of myself on Instagram over the weekend, and the other night I got a text message from my ex ( who I haven't seen in months) and he tells me that he thinks I look really old and my skin doesn't look great in that photo. I tried not to let it bother me, I tried for his comments not to affect my mood or my thoughts but I wasn't as successful as I had hoped to be. So lesson number two is that I need a plan for situations like that. I need to find a way to really not care, to not let it throw me or my value.
Right now I cant change how I decided to behave today, I cant change the fact that I pigged out and ate chocolates to the point of feeling sick and having tummy ache, of missing dinner so that I could instead just eat rubbish. But what I can do, is take those lessons learnt, figure out a back up plan and face tomorrow with a fresh start and positive thoughts and attitudes.
There are going to be bumps along the journey, and I realise that this is just one of many. I want to document the journey, so that I can see how far I have come and I am hoping that at some point, my journey will help someone else with theirs.

I wasn't expecting there to be such a big lag between my last post and this one....sorry about that. I know this is going to sound weird, but this post feels like a big deal to me. Like a new start, and I think that it really is the beginning of something good.

I made a few decisions a couple weeks ago. I cancelled my subscription to Weight Watchers on line and I found myself another option. It was not an easy task and definitely not an easy decision. You see, I have been doing WW on and off for the past eight years or so and I find myself here, with still so much weight to lose. WW is a great programme, but I realised that isn't the programme for me.

Here is what I wanted to look for: something tailored to me and my body, something that requires real food and not shakes, bars or pills. I wanted something that would help correct any imbalances in my body chemistry and I wanted something that would reteach me how to eat. Now I know that sounds a little weird, but all these years of dieting and binging has left me feeling like I have no idea what my body needs or what balanced eating really looks like.

With all of that in mind, I decided to find myself a dietitian. I did a lot of research into my local dietitian options and I finally found someone who I think would be able to help me. Meeting with her would cost a lot of money, and I had to take that money out of my savings account, but I knew that this was the way forward for me.

So I arranged a session with her and met her for our discussion.

This is the first time I have ever seen a dietitian so I was pretty nervous. She has asked me to bring with me a food diary for the previous few days as well as a paragraph around why I wanted to see her. What had lead me to this point and what I wanted out of our session. The session was interesting and I learnt a lot about my body and what my eating and levels of stress are doing to my body. She suggested a bunch of supplements to help re balance my body and she has said that I should consider moving to a wheat free/gluten free way of eating.

I went home and have made some pretty big decisions about how I am going to eat going forward. About what I am going to put into my body and I know that it will take some getting used to but it really is the best thing for me. I wasn't given a programme to follow, a quantity of food to eat at each meal or a list of foods to avoid. What I was told was that this is going to be a trial and error programme. It's going to involve feeding my body what it needs and then listening to what it has to say. From there, I need to tweak what and when I eat accordingly. It's going to take some practise and I am pretty sure I won't get it right first time, but I am going to keep going with it. I am going to do my best, take it one day at a time and ask God to help me with this huge journey that I have ahead of me.

Today marks the first day of my Journey to 130. I want to lose 130lbs and I am giving myself 24 months to achieve this - that is a goal of 5lbs a month. To help hold myself accountable, I aim to weigh in once a week, to share my struggles and my journey.

Here we are, already half way through month 2 of 2012 and I am pleased to report that so far, things are going well with my move more eat well project. January was a pretty good month for this journey, I lost a total of 8.5lbs and 18cm's over my body. My fitness levels have improved with my increase in exercise and I have taken some time to work on my relationship with myself and with God.

Here are my two pages that sum up the January Journey.

JOURNALING: January was a great month. I am so proud of myself for so many things. The first one being that every single day I tracked my WW points. There were days when I used more of my weekly extra’s than others, but every week I ended with a few points to spare. Over the past two years, I have started the WW program several times and each time I only lasted a few days before giving in to a binge….but that was not the case this month despite several situations that would normally have prompted a binge. Exercise is another thing that I am proud of, I haven’t done any sort of exercise in the last 12 months and here I began, on January 1^st with a consistent average of 3 exercise sessions per week. Some weeks I even managed 4, but at no point did I have less than 3. I am convinced that this has helped me to lose 8.5lbs and 18cm’s this month. One thing that seems to have stayed with me through January, is a blister on my foot. It appears to have become a permanent fixture ….a daily reminder of all my hard work. Which reminds me, perhaps I need to consider buying a better fitting pair of running shoes.
This month has also been about taking a look at my heart and restarting old hobbies that I really enjoy. I have taken time out to work on my relationship with God and with myself and to start my studies. January has been a pretty good month, all in all. I made better food choices, I moved more on a regular basis, I made some changes to how i think about myself and most importantly I can honestly say that I have grown. I have taken steps forward, towards the life that I want and the story that I would like to be able to share.

From as far back as I can remember I have always had a Love/Hate relationship with my body. When my eating was under control and my weight was on the average side, then I had a love relationship with my body. BUT, over the past several years, my eating has been way out of control and as the weight began to pile on my confidence and self esteem dwindled and a hatred for my body took its place. I felt like my body had betrayed me, it no longer looked in good in clothes and when i went shopping, i walked away feeling ugly and fat. My body was supposed to be sexy and help me grow a baby and yet it was the furtherest it could be from sexy and while my number one hearts desire was to have a baby, my body seemed to be unwilling.

My dislike for my body has grown and grown over the years and to be honest, my relationship with my body has been really bad. But this year, my Word for 2012 is Wholeness and I have come to realise that wholeness includes making some changes to my relationship with my body. Learning to love who I am includes finding a way to love my body.

So, over the past few weeks I have been focusing on trying to figure out how to make changes to my relationship with my body. Some days I feel like I am making progress and other days not so much, but I know that this is a process and that it is going to take some time.

Here are some things that I have been working on and will continue to work on over the next few months and most likely years:

Spend the money and buy some new clothes - As my body has gotten bigger and bigger, this has been a major thing for me. I never want to spend money on bigger size clothing because in my mind I am either on a diet and will lose weight shortly or I am just about to start one. The problem is that this has been going on for so long that I have very little to wear, and what i do have in my cupboard I only have because it fit or because its black. Colour was not a part of my wardrobe and neither was the latest fashion. Jeans, tracksuit bottoms and baggy shirts were my only options. I really think that my clothes helped to reinforce my bad relationship with my body.

Self talk - It's no secret that what we think about ourselves and what we say to ourselves either lifts us up or tears us down. What was a surprise to me, was the harshness of that talk. I took some time to make a note of what i was thinking and saying to myself and then i tried to figure out what i could replace those negative thoughts with to try to change the associated feelings. This is much more difficult than it sounds and it is definitely going to take a conscious and consistent effort to get this right.

Remember that you have a choice - Being insecure allows for me to constantly worry about what other people are thinking of me. The thing that I have been trying to remember is that they only have power over my feelings if I allow them to. Despite what they think, or what I think they think, I can still feel good about myself.

Use your body to start loving your body - For the past five weeks I have been exercising a minimum of three times a week. At first its difficult and your body really fights back, but after a while it gets easier and your body begins to thank you for a better fitness level, an avenue for stress relief and for treating it well. Our bodies where created to be physical, not to sit around all day every day. By moving my body on a regular basis, I have started to be more grateful for what it can do for me.

Careful what you talk about - This one is similar to the self talk except it is specific to what you say to others about your body and it's size. It is so easy to find yourself complaining about what your body isn't doing or can't do. Remember that what you say out loud, reinforces what you say within. Be kind to yourself and to your body.

Like I said, I am by no means where i need to be but I am making progress. One day, my body and I will be best of friends.

Body image is a huge thing for us girls and i know that this is something that i battle with. While its true that one list cannot automatically tell you how to turn negative body thoughts into positive body image thoughts, it can hlep you think about new ways of looking more at yourself and your body which are more beneficial to you.

The more you do that, the more likely you are to feel good about who you are and the body you were blessed with. Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celelbrate all of the amaizing things your body does for you - dancing, walking, breathing, laughing, dreaming etc.

So what can you do to improve your body image?

Try keeping a top-10 list of things you like about yourself -- things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about you.

Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin-deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel.

Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see you -- as a whole person.

Surround yourself with positive people. It is easier to feel good about yourself and your body when you are around others who are supportive and who recognize the importance of liking yourself just as you naturally are.

Shut down those voices in your head that tell you your body is not “right” or that you are a “bad” person. You can overpower those negative thoughts with positive ones. The next time you start to tear yourself down, build yourself back up with a few quick affirmations that work for you.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and that make you feel good about your body. Work with your body, not against it.

Become a critical viewer of social and media messages. Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body.

Protest these messages: