Live Brave: January 2011

i wonder if i am wasting my life.....time to time i find myself asking the same questions. What am i doing with my life? Am I living to my full potential? Am I coasting and taking the easy route? I have this need to make a difference, to do something worthwhile and amazing with this gift, but here i sit, feeling as if i am simply living a very ordinary life. I should be doing something different, i should be doing something extra-ordinary.

i am scared of being found out......i have another need, a need to be the best. This constant pressure of being the best, doing the best, striving for perfection leavings me wondering just how long its going to be before i am found out as a fraud. As if I really am this great, perfect, high achieving person. The need to please, to be the best, to be thought highly of is exhausting.

i am angry.....angry at the world, angry at my life and angry at myself. All those dreams that didn't materialize, all those decisions that lead me to where i am today. Some days i just want to turn the clocks back and get a chance to redo all those years. All those years i allowed myself to have my worth striped away word by word, all those decisions that i made with someone else in mind.

i can not breath for fear of being sick......of having something really, truly wrong with me that can not be fixed. Having something going on inside of me that i don't even know about - until its too late. The lack of control over that scares me beyond words.

i wish that i was THAT person......the person who people noticed, the person who guys came up to. The confident, sexy woman who was sure of herself and her desires. Who didn't feel like she had these internal ideas and morale's that, no matter what, had to be lived by. Who had gorgeous, interesting, real men kissing her in the rain. Who let her heart lead a little more often while taking a few more risks with it.

i wonder where my people are....surely i should have more people. My people - where are you?

i wonder when its going to be my turn to build a house of candles.....you know, that gesture that means the world to you and the person you love, the person who shares your life with you. I don't have that person and i want them. I mean I REALLY want them. I'm here and i am waiting for my turn!

If you used to follow my old blog you will know that i used to be a Scrapbooking Queen! I loved it and took every opportunity to scrap. I had an entire room full of gorgeous stash and a dinning room table especially for me. And then events in my life changed and i felt that i no longer had anything to scrap about.....so, with all my stash packed away and all my layouts out of sight, my creative mojo moved from scrapbooking to art journaling and painting.

For three years and four house moves, my beautiful stash has been hidden away in draws, shoe boxes and glass bottles. Out of sight out of mind right? Well no, not really. All that stash and all lose memories laying in the bottom of my bedroom draw were constantly at the back of my mind. So, last week while surfing some old blogs that i used to visit, i came across a project that Shimelle kicked off in January 2010 - called Document 2010. Well as i am a year behind i have decided to Scrapbook my Document 2011.

Let me tell you, i was so excited! I already had boxes of unused stash so i was a go on that front....all that i needed was a new album and some photo protectors. So, i jumped on UKScrappers and started searching for a new album like a mad woman!

Friday evening i arrived home to this.....

I was so excited. It was a sight for sore eyes - i hadn't seen a parcel like this for way tooooo long!

I got it inside and ripped open the box - carefully of course so not to damage anything - and found this oh so pretty pink paper..

Oh, whats that little thing sitting in the corner of my box?

Aaaah, an itsy bitsy teenie weenie lollipop! Thanks Sarah! ( excuse the makeup less photo )

First out the box were my photo protectors......these are a first for me and i CAN NOT wait to use them.

So many ideas buzzing round my head for these already.

And finally, the most exciting part of all - my brand new Scrapbooking album.

There seem to be a few firsts for me with this box, not only my first use of photo protectors but also my first D-ring album. Now let me tell you something.........this was not my first choice for my album. When i used to scrap D-rings were not around ( at least not in my scrapbooking circles) but after reading many reivews from other scrappers i decided to just go ahead and try something new!

Make sure to look out for all the fun pages to come on a monthly basis.

Yeah baby, gotta scrapbook. Yeah baby, got my groove back

Its no secret that things at work have been tough for me these past few months. Normally i am the person leading change, i love the challenges that it brings and the opportunities that are opened by it. But for some reason, the changes that have been forced upon us, and in particular me, at work have been very difficult for me. After loving my job, my manager and my team for the past two years, i now find myself hating my job, being suspicious and protective within my team and having to constantly bite my lip when speaking to my manager.

So, how do i cheer myself up during the few minutes break i get between dealing with unhappy or difficult customers and managers who constantly push and add stress? I day dream! About the things that i love, about painting and photography and colour and dreams.

Here are some of the inspiring things that help me get through my currently tough day:

1. Artwork by Flora Bowley (blog) - Her style is so different from mine but at the same time i can really see myself having a go at this style. I love her use of bold colours and shapes. I am amazed at how it all comes together. They really make me think.

2. Photography images by Ri Photography - I love how she uses props and how she captures peoples personality. The one moment is captured so well! I love photography and seeing the work that she does really inspires me to grab my camera and be a little more adventurous with my images.

3. More beautiful artwork by Stephanie Lee - I'm not sure exactly which part of this painting inspires me the most, but i know that each time i look at it i see different things, different strokes - just gorgeous!

4.Scrapbooking - Document 2011. I used to love scrapbooking and i haven't done any in at least three years, if not a little longer. At the time, i felt like i didn't have anything to share and so my creative juices moved from scrapbooking to art journaling and painting. But then, a few days ago, i came across a scrapbooking project that Shimelle did in 2010 called Document 2010. The whole concept just inspired me so i am doing my own Document 2011 this year. Album and page protectors purchased today and countdown to their arrival has begun.

5. Dance - I love dance and have since i was a little girl. Its funny that only a few days ago i posted about this very thing. Dance makes me happy, makes me feel things. I wouldn't want me life to be without it

There is still so much more that i could share with you. I have probably spent about two hours tonight looking at all these things and just breathing new life into my currently tired and heavy laden soul. Art, Photography, scrapbooking and dance - all different ways that i use to express who i am and how i see things in this life. Its food for my soul and helps me feel grounded and central. As Dr Phil says, its the core of who i am.

Life without art is no life for me.

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