This is the year that I planned to lose my weight and get my body back into a healthier state. This is the year that I had no studying to keep up with and a new job which as it turns out has been much less stressful than the job I was in last year. This year was full of high hopes and big dreams.

Now let me stop there because I can totally here you thinking, "Hand on a second, its only the middle of February and your talking as if the year is over with. As if you have no chance of achieving your goals". I know right! I couldn't agree more.

But I wasn't in that frame of mind a few days ago. I was sitting in pittyville, Seven weeks into 2015 and I've only lost six pounds. The goal was to have lost twenty one by the end of March which wasn't looking like it would be a reality in any way, shape or form and that left me feeling disappointed, hopeless and like I didn't want to bother carry on trying. Ridiculous when you see it written down in black and white but that was where I was mentally.

And then I pulled myself together and had a gentle, encouraging talk with myself. This was something new for me but I gave it a go.  As I sat there with my journal in front of me, I started to write a letter to the five your old version of me who wore pigtails and used to sing about everything that had happened to herself that day (or at least that's what my mom told me I used to do).  In an instant my heart softened towards that little girl and I started to encourage her. I wanted her to know that she needed to believe in herself, that she needed to do this for her and for no one else.  I wanted her to know that she needed to dig deep and show up even when things got tough.  I wanted her to set herself up for success, to be present in the moments, to keep moving forward and to keep making progress.

More than all of that though was this concept of choice that came out of my letter to her. The reminder that she held the power - she always had a choice....even when she doesn't feel like she is making a choice, she actually is. Not choosing is a choice. Giving up is a choice.  Going off plan is a choice. Not working out when the day has been long is a choice.  I started to realize that, like raising a child, I needed to actively start giving myself choices. If i start to feel that I want a chocolate bar, I have two choices. I can either have the bar and work if off at the gym that day, or I can have the bar and gain wait that week or I can not have the bar and stick to my plan.  Life is full of choices and for a moment there I forgot that. I felt like my cravings and my body's own will where happening to me and while I can't stop my body from craving something or stop it from holding onto the weight, I can choose what to do with those cravings or shift my focus from the numbers on the scale to living a more healthy life (more to come on that in a later post).

Last year I bought myself a Smash Book which I decided I'm going to use it to document my "health journey". With my letter to myself being in my day to day journal I wanted to capture some of the specifics in my Smash Book. As the days and months progress my plan is to my Smash Book more and more pages to capture this journey - the good days and the bad days, success and progress.  I know that this isn't going to be a smooth journey but I am determined to make progress.