I wanted to share something with you that i have been battling with, particularly over the past few weeks.

Over the lastt six years my confidence and self-worth really took a knock.  I can give you a whole list of reasons why this happened and while i didn't realise it was happening at the time, if i look back over the different experiences during that time it should have been clear as day.  Rebuilding ones worth, confidence and value takes time and is soooo much more difficult than you would think.  Its been three years since i found enough courage to get myself out of the situation that i was in and while i can honestly say that i have taken huge steps forward in a lot of area's, there are still some which i have not yet been able to overcome or improve.

This month i have been working as a manager within my department.   It's something that i have wanted for a long time now and while i thought i was completely ready for this role, these past 5 weeks have really been difficult.  

It's as if i have been on a constant roller coaster.  Some moments have been great and i have felts so proud of myself, and others have been soooo difficult and have left me feeling totally unworthy.  Its strange how the things that you really believe come out when your outside of your comfort zone.  My thought patterns where no different.  

When things were difficult, i would chide myself because of course i couldn't do this job - what else did i expect?.  When i didn't handle situation the way i thought i should have my head was bombarded with thoughts which told me i was not capable of doing this.  When i had daily meetings with senior management having to go over the teams performance the day before, thoughts of unworthiness flooded my mind.  

This month has felt like a constant battle against those types of thoughts. Feeling as if i continually have to prove my worth as a manager has been exhausting.  Its made my need for binging worse, its highlighted my core beliefs about my worth and my value and its taught me a great deal about myself.  Change is good and a challenge stretches you as a person.  While i know that the last five weeks have by no means been entirely negative or difficult, it has allowed my eyes to be opened to what i really believe about myself.  And i know that this is something that i desperately need to work on. 

The month of July will see me working on this a lot more.  My action plan for this is not yet completely set in stone but i know it will start with a little reminder to myself.