i wonder if i am wasting my life.....time to time i find myself asking the same questions. What am i doing with my life?  Am I living to my full potential?  Am I coasting and taking the easy route? I have this need to make a difference, to do something worthwhile and amazing with this gift, but here i sit, feeling as if i am simply living a very ordinary life.  I should be doing something different, i should be doing something extra-ordinary.

i am scared of being found out......i have another need, a need to be the best. This constant pressure of being the best, doing the best, striving for perfection leavings me wondering just how long its going to be before i am found out as a fraud. As if I really am this great, perfect, high achieving person. The need to please, to be the best, to be thought highly of  is exhausting.

i am angry.....angry at the world, angry at my life and angry at myself.  All those dreams that didn't materialize, all those decisions that lead me to where i am today. Some days i just want to turn the clocks back and get a chance to redo all those years. All those years i allowed myself to have my worth striped away word by word, all those decisions that i made with someone else in mind.

i can not breath for fear of being sick......of having something really, truly wrong with me that can not be fixed. Having something going on inside of me that i don't even know about - until its too late. The lack of control over that scares me beyond words.

i wish that i was THAT person......the person who people noticed, the person who guys came up to. The confident, sexy woman who was sure of herself and her desires. Who didn't feel like she had these internal ideas and morale's that, no matter what, had to be lived by. Who had gorgeous, interesting, real men kissing her in the rain. Who let her heart lead a little more often while taking a few more risks with it.

i wonder where my people are....surely i should have more people. My people - where are you?

i wonder when its going to be my turn to build a house of candles.....you know, that gesture that means the world to you and the person you love, the person who shares your life with you. I don't have that person and i want them. I mean I REALLY want them.  I'm here and i am waiting for my turn!