Yesterday was a really though day for me.  Have you ever woken up from a dream that seemed so very real?  So real that you have this heaviness with you all day....it's unexplained and i just couldn't shake it.  It seemed to affect my entire day, it went from bad to worse and by the end of the day i was in tears. Not a great position to find myself in when I'm in a new job with a new manager.....and, on a good day, I feel out of my depth as it is.

My manager was great. She knows exams are only a few days away, that my job is particularly stressful at the moment and that it is an entirely new position for me. She told me not to worry about it.

I spent the rest of the evening trying to relax, to shake it off. I went to bed and woke up this morning as if yesterday never happened.  I didn't want to let yesterday go by without documenting how i felt. I am trying to be more "in the moment" and as difficult as yesterday was, in a few days time it will probably be good for me to sit down and run through the day so see if i can figure out what was going on.

Most of the time i try not to let it bother me, i push it aside or push it down because there isn't much that i can do about it.

From as far back as as i can remember I always wanted to fall in love, get married, buy a house, be a mama and live a happy life.  Now i know that living a happy life is not synonymous with being married, having a house and being a mama; but its always what i thought my life would be. 

I spent seven years with my ex, pretty much most of my twenties.  When i decided to leave him, i knew that i could be alone for a while but i always thought that i would find someone.  Here i sit, almost 4 years since i ended things and my heart is longing even harder for that dream that it has held for so long. Maybe this is what they mean by that ticking clock that women are supposed to feel - i don't know. 

What i do know is that every time i come home, i find myself wishing that i was coming home to someone.  I look at my friends and cousins with their little children and my heart aches because i want to be a mama so very desperately - I know that i would be a great mother.  I have so much love to give; at times it just doesn't seem fair.  I don't want to be alone anymore, i don't want to cook for one, i want to live for more than just myself.

The problem is, is that i haven't been on a date for at least the last two and a half years.  My confidence around guys is so low its probably off the charts.  I have zero single male friends and despite working in a large company there just doesn't seem to be any possibilities....i have after all been there for over three years and if i was going to meet someone i think it would have happened already. 

I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan for my life and that He knows my hearts desires, but this desire is getting stronger and stronger by the day and in turn its making me feel more and more down about the whole situation.